Legions of Lesions

When you have MS, you suffer from nerve damage from brain and spinal column lesions. The film that once covered these organs and systems fails like a defective condom. It has a name… demyelination. For us MS Warriors, we don't get to have the fun before discovering we have a pinhole problem.

If the diagnosis for MS only took nine months, we'd feel lucky after three seasons. Instead, we endure many invasive tests and procedures. Endless questions. And MRI's from our ass to our eyes. How about a lumbar puncture prick or two? Spinal Tap isn't a rockumentary. It's a test where they remove fluid from your spine with a needle that scares the shit out of you.

The best news is being diagnosed with something. Here the exhausted win. We got something, anything. Finding the answer takes as long and is as irritating as trying to get disability payments. The docs in this process protect the money you paid into the system from you. You have to prove to them you can't work. You're not faking it to collect your money. The badge of courage is a handicapped license plate. Just don't try to use it in the parking space dedicated to you at your favorite coffee shop. That's held for the perfectly healthy helicopter mom in the pretty Lexus who speeds in and "will just be a few." Next, she lengthens the time bullshitting for 20 minutes with someone who doesn't like her but wants to say hello. Meanwhile, you get to cool your wheels and heels for the treasured spot before you whip your cane out for a drunk walk to the shop. Once inside, the same asshole who took your parking spot declares that you look great. "You can't have anything wrong with you," she says for everyone to hear. Too bad you are being filmed by the disability doctor doing follow-up recognizance to protect you from your money. "No money for you!"

MS doesn't quit. It's like Cancer in that way. It's chronic and as unpredictable as lightning. It controls you with cramps and spasticity when you want to use the limb with it to do something dangerous. Good luck climbing the ladder to reach a smoke bug crawling on your wall and just out of reach. If you have PPMS, you're at the excelsior level of MS. This type only worsens. Your best outcome is that they slow the progression or stop it where it is. So, the debilitation takes longer. You pray to slow it down. You get to endure the pain and discomfort longer. Congrats on coming in last. Here's a cheap medal to help you forget this whole mess. You can wear it around your neck while riding in your new wheelchair.

Peace, Chris